Hey – Did You Guys Hear About That Shooting In Virginia?

Every time I lurch off for a rest in Lazy Slacker Aw-Man-I-Hate-My-Fucking-Blog Slugland, all kinds of good shit happens.

There have been, at last official count, more words written about Don Imus and The Virginia Tragedy™ than the number of words that are currently in actual existence on the planet.

So, a quick summary:

Don Imus is a pussy (but still, evidently, a HUUUGE influence in the black community). He could have fought this on principle but he folded like a bad poker hand. Perhaps Ann Coulter could loan him a spare set of balls she’s not using.

The Rutgers Women’s basketball team are easily manipulated. Scarred for life? Really? For being called ugly? My god, what a collective of embarrassments. No wonder women’s sports get no respect.

My love affair with Barack Obama is officially over. His slippery comments in support of someone being fired over a stupid joke is a deal breaker. Thus, like a band-aid, he has been ripped out of my life. Sorry, Barack, I know this is deeply upsetting to you, but I am not a woman to be trifled with.

The Virginia Tech shooting, unfortunately for the victims and families, is a victim of Bush Calamity Fatigue. Not to suggest Bush had anything to do with it (although, really, who amongst us would be surprised if it turns out otherwise?), it’s just that under His Command, we have seen so much death and destruction that the next tragedy we’ll have any energy to sink our national teeth into will have to contain the words ‘Nuclear’, ‘Entire City Decimated’ or ‘President Jeb Bush’.

Sorry, Virginia Tech, but we’re just too exhausted to do a whole big drawn-out thing with you guys.

One thing is interesting, though. Has anyone else noticed that the more sensitive and compassionate we are forcing our fellow citizens to be (or, at least, pretend to be), the angrier and more violent our fellow citizens are becoming?

I’ll tell you, I hear one more person apologize for stating an opinion, I just might lose my shit myself.

Ahem.

Ah…hello again, people. It’s good to be back. And it will remain so until it’s not again. I hope you’re all doing well. The wife and kids alright? Good, good..

How Excited Was I? I Bought Two T-Shirts.

American citizens who are fed up with the noxious stream of pandering bullshit that flows through the bleached teeth of campaigning politicans were dealt a major blow today when stand-up comic, Doug Stanhope, announced that he is withdrawing his bid to become the Libertarian presidential candidate in ’08.

From his website:

The Federal Election Commission proved insurmountable in their spiderweb of legal fingerfucking. The idea that I could run an effective campaign rested on the fact that I tour constantly for a living and have a built-in audience and media wherever I go. FEC rules would not allow for me to campaign at paid gigs while also retaining a personal income from those shows.

If I can’t recruit from my shows, I’m about as effective as standing on a milk crate in the city park.

Even our crafty attempts at creating our own loopholes in the laws – like jailhouse attorneys trying to invent and employ makeshift last-minute defenses – still came up short in the face of the Federal Election Commision.

The system is set up to keep the two-party monopoly as free from competition as possible. The penalties for fucking up with FEC rules make IRS penalties look like fetish spankings and I fuck up quite a bit.

The other problem was simply in making the whole thing fun. The more rules, paperwork and bullshit we’d run into the less creative and funny it was becoming. The process started to feel like when we had to “clean it up” for the Man Show – and we all know how well that worked out.

Indeed we do.

Still, I am seriously fucking wrecked over this. The idea of Stanhope, a man who is brutally honest and as raw as a gaping wound, seriously entertaining a run for president was sheer beautiful lunacy.

It carried the promise of an entire YEAR of guaranteed hilarity and hijinks and it would have given the Libertarian party a bit of much-needed celebrity pizzazz.

Just think of the might-have-beens…

Ah well, onward and upward, fellow disaffected citizens! And one last one for the road on this sad day in America: