Archive for the ‘assholes’ Category

h1

They Are Trying To Do It Again

23 September, 2008, Tuesday

Read this. Or don’t. You don’t really have to – you’ve heard it all before.

It’s just another Republican whining (and using italics to the point of annoyance) about all the hatred directed at Sarah Palin. He thinks people hate her because she’s small-town and folksy. And that argument has grown so boringly tedious and is so flatly WRONG that it’s not even worth the time to dissect it. So what-the-fuck-ever, I don’t care, *yawn* *stretch*, Jon Stewart is on in 20 minutes, is there any arugula left?

But the Republican did write one thing that I found infuriating enough to scream outloud, “Oh no you don’t, you will NOT be allowed to get away with that!”

And this is what it was:

For the first time since Ronald Reagan, our last great president, we, the people, see a chance that one of us might have a voice in governing our country.

Speaking of Reagan (Eureka College, Illinois), every chief executive we’ve had since the Gipper snapped his final salute as president has had the imprimatur of an Ivy League university. And we’ve gone from bad to worse:

* George Herbert Walker Bush: Yale.

* William Jefferson Clinton: Georgetown, Oxford, Yale Law.

* George W. Bush: Yale and Harvard Business School.

The first lacked the sense to finish the job in Desert Storm; the second lacked the guts to go after al Qaeda when it was just a startup – and the third, well, let’s just say he disappointed our low expectations.

Remember during the 2004 election how Kerry, an actual war hero, was portrayed as the out-of-touch elitist windsurfer who had brought shame on his country according to the lies of Swift Boat Veterans? While George W. Bush, who actually did have a shameful (and absent!) Vietnam record, campaigned as the brush-clearing every man who didn’t rightly cotton to none a’ that book learnin stuff? Remember how topsy turvey it all seemed? It was like bizarro world.

Well, welcome to Bizarro World 2.0. They are trying to spin it all in reverse.

The author of this piece of shit article is trying to put distance between Bush and the Republicans by claiming that George W. Bush was a bad president, at least in part, because he went…to Yale? Jesus Christ.

They can run away from him all they want (and they are! LOL), but everybody knows that Republicans LOVED!, ADORED!, WORSHIPPED THE VERY GROUND that George W. Bush walked on.

How many times after 911 did we have to hear mewling, simpering Republicans say on TV: “Thank GOD we have George W. Bush in the White House!” “Thank GOD for President George W. Bush!”

HE was ONE OF THEM!

THAT was his chief selling point!

They wanted to have a BEER with him!

So excuse me if I find this claim of “low expectations” every bit as dubious as Sarah Palin’s legitimacy as a candidate. The guy who wrote this article most likely voted for Bush TWICE and he now has the shameless gall to look us in the eye and claim that he had low expectations about Bush? Disgusting.

You people championing this Neocon party doll from Alaska will not have another try at putting forth your cockamamie notion that common people are better leaders. Not without a fight. You will not be given another chance to have a leader who is “one of you“. I know you don’t like being reminded of this, but you currently HAVE a leader who is one of you and he is the biggest fucking disaster this country has ever seen.

And I know many of you afore-mentioned folk will be completely unaware of this, but intelligent people do this thing called “learning from their mistakes” – and George W. Bush has been a strong example of what happens when we lower our standards. We don’t want to repeat that mistake again.

So we are aiming higher than YOU this time around.

How elitist of us, n’est-ce pas?

We tried to warn you about George W. Bush – you didn’t listen. We tried to warn you about Iraq – you didn’t listen. And now we are warning you about John McCain and Sarah Palin – and a disturbing number of you are not listening.

I’m beginning to think slightly more than 1/4 of the Republican party actually hates this country and WANTS to see it come to ruin.

h1

Christian Rocks Hard In A Pink Shirt (and, sadly, no ascot)

24 January, 2007, Wednesday

Ladies and Gentleman, I am excited about this faaaabulous new musical talent!

Donnie Davies is a man who used to know his way round the butt plug and anal beads aisle at the Porn Empornium.    But all that changed after he was filled with the stickiest man-goo the world has ever known: God’s love.   

Now he’s a crusader fighting against sin, a beacon of hope to afflicted men who want to make the gay go away, and a brilliant lyricist with a knack for powerful imagery:

Read the Bible
and you’ll be sure
to enter heaven
there’s no back door
Righteous man
get on your knees
there lies no virtue
in sodomy

From his website:   

I’ve been researching for many years now and feel I’ve come up with a very strong program to help cure people of Homosexuality. Its called the C.H.O.P.S program and We’re running full steam ahead with it. C.H.O.P.S stands for:

  • C: Changing
  • H: Homosexuals
  • O: (into) Ordinary
  • P: People

Oscar Wilde, my hero, was a reformed homosexual. He went to prison for his sins. Once he was alone with his thouhgts, in jail, he saw the errors of his ways and repented. He died as a Christian. While I’m not advocating jailing all Homosexuals, I do think it would benefit them greatly. It would be for their own good. When a person is forced to think they will generally be able to see their problems and solve them by themselves.

Okay, so he’s not very hip to the sort of activity that men get up to in the clink, but whatever, let’s not quibble and spoil his message of compassion and tolerant Christian guidance. Besides he clearly says he’s not for jailing ALL homosexuals and that is more than decent.

Christian soccer moms, if your son is showing an unhealthy interest in the theatrical arts or fashion, go grab the li’l mincing sodomite and huddle with him round the speakers and let Donnie’s beautiful song set him straight.

The rest of you, just enjoy. And then repent for all that ass fucking.

(If YouTube pulls the video, see it here. And if that link doesn’t work, my god, search for it. You must see it to believe it.)

h1

Tucker Carlson Is An Asshole

9 January, 2007, Tuesday

This is a blog post from a guy who worked in a video store telling his readers about Tucker Carlson opening an account there.

It’s important to note that no personal details were given in the blogger’s post. We did not learn what Tucker’s home address is, nor was a city mentioned. We didn’t even find out which movies Tucker rented (I’m imagining it was a teen sexploitation flick from the 80’s). He simply mentioned the fact that Tucker opened an account and issued a few harmless jokes at Tucker’s expense.

Now, owing to some rather cruel misfortunes: years of bow-tie-wearing, the lack of any discernable upper lip, his totally embarrassing appearance on Dancing With The “Stars”, the fact that his name is ‘Tucker’, etc., one might be tempted to assume that Tucker had actually developed a sense of humour about himself at some point in his life.

But that would be wrong.

Because Tucker Carlson had that blogger fired.

And that makes him an asshole.  

I understand that it’s probably irritating for celebrities (and I use that term very loosely in this case) when they discover their mundane comings and goings being made public knowledge.   But you know what?  Fuck them. Fuck them hard up the ass.   Every job has got it’s downside.

The fact that us creepy little nobodies might be amused and interested to hear about Tucker Carlson’s taste in movies is a very tiny price to pay in exhange for the perks and benefits that his celebrity status brings to him.  

A status he should stop abusing and taking for granted because, let’s be honest, he isn’t funny, he isn’t clever, he isn’t burdened with charisma, and he is missing his upper lip.

He is sadly, woefully lacking in likeability and marketable assets.

So my advice to you, Tucker Carlson, would be to simmer the fuck down, be grateful for the position you have somehow (!) attained and, for fuck’s sake, stop Googling yourself. 

Trust me, you aren’t going to find any Tucker Carlson fan sites. Very few people actually know who you are. And of those, the ones who are fond of you are outnumbered by those who think you’re an asshole.  

To prove it, here are the results of a Google search done five minutes ago:

“I love Tucker Carlson” – 57 hits

“I hate Tucker Carlson” – 77 hits

Rather an underwhelming response, isn’t it?    Certainly nothing that warrants you license to say that you will “destroy” someone because they’ve crossed you. 

Did you ever think you could have called the video store and asked them nicely and politely to tell their staff not to write about you?    

The fact that you’ve actually employed legal council about this matter makes it quite clear that you must be an awfully insecure little man.    And an asshole.