One Less Homosexual In The World, Godly Americans Rejoice

7 February, 2007, Wednesday


After three weeks of intense counselling, it was announced yesterday that disgraced pastor, Ted Haggard, has been officially diagnosed as ‘Not Gay Anymore’.

The awesome power of modern psychological therapy, eh? Three weeks is all it took. Even busy-bee James Dobson thought it would take 4 or 5 years.

Somewhere, Donnie Davies is smiling.

According to the Rev. Tim Ralph:

“He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

First, it’s really cute the way he calls blow jobs and meth-fueled butt sex “things”.

Secondly, one does not “discover” one is a heterosexual at 50 years of age unless, perhaps, one has just awakened from a 38 year state of vegetation.

Thirdly, everything Tim Ralph says is a complete and utter lie. He doesn’t believe Haggard is straight any more than I do. He’s like Paul Bremer handing power over to Iraq in that weird, quickie ceremony thingy in 2004 when Bremer couldn’t throw the documents at Allawi fast enough so he could get the fuck out of that dangerous shit hole and back to America.

Ted Haggard is New Life Church’s Iraq. He’s a liability and could cause significant financial damage to his former church, possibly to the entire megachurch empire in Colorado Springs.

This announcement is a rushed public relations campaign to tell the sad little lambs that a happy ending is just round the corner – that Pastor Ted has redeemed himself, he is right as rain and all about scoring the wifely pussy. It’s aim is to put the ugly, sordid affair behind them. And it will be followed by shuffling Ted the fuck out of the area as quickly as possible to become someone else‘s problem.

And what a shame. Think of the powerful message of forgiveness it would send to the parish to allow new, improved Macho Ted to come back and resume his duties. Isn’t that what Christianity is supposed to be about at it’s heart?

The church overseers are telling us that Ted has been successfully cured, but their actions are certainly suggesting that they aren’t willing to put their money where their mouths are. So we have to assume that the risk of backfire is of greater importance to them than the reward of practical, concrete application of God’s word.




  1. Thanks for writing this piece. Well done. I often wonder when Christians will wake up to the hypocrisy which permeates the Christian world they live in.

    “Ahhh, Grand Delusion, thy name is God and I am your messenger.” Diane

  2. Miss Mickey, where did you find such a flattering photograph? My God, I wouldn’t even put my dick in that mouth. If I had a dick.

  3. Diane – you’re in my head. I wonder too – and will likely go into the black void of death never having gotten an answer.

    Max – you hit it there. There’s something about his mouth that is particularly grotesque. The way his lips curl up and expose both rows of teeth – in every film clip I’ve seen of him, my eyes focus on that mouth and I can’t look away.

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