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Tucker Carlson Is An Asshole

9 January, 2007, Tuesday

This is a blog post from a guy who worked in a video store telling his readers about Tucker Carlson opening an account there.

It’s important to note that no personal details were given in the blogger’s post. We did not learn what Tucker’s home address is, nor was a city mentioned. We didn’t even find out which movies Tucker rented (I’m imagining it was a teen sexploitation flick from the 80’s). He simply mentioned the fact that Tucker opened an account and issued a few harmless jokes at Tucker’s expense.

Now, owing to some rather cruel misfortunes: years of bow-tie-wearing, the lack of any discernable upper lip, his totally embarrassing appearance on Dancing With The “Stars”, the fact that his name is ‘Tucker’, etc., one might be tempted to assume that Tucker had actually developed a sense of humour about himself at some point in his life.

But that would be wrong.

Because Tucker Carlson had that blogger fired.

And that makes him an asshole.  

I understand that it’s probably irritating for celebrities (and I use that term very loosely in this case) when they discover their mundane comings and goings being made public knowledge.   But you know what?  Fuck them. Fuck them hard up the ass.   Every job has got it’s downside.

The fact that us creepy little nobodies might be amused and interested to hear about Tucker Carlson’s taste in movies is a very tiny price to pay in exhange for the perks and benefits that his celebrity status brings to him.  

A status he should stop abusing and taking for granted because, let’s be honest, he isn’t funny, he isn’t clever, he isn’t burdened with charisma, and he is missing his upper lip.

He is sadly, woefully lacking in likeability and marketable assets.

So my advice to you, Tucker Carlson, would be to simmer the fuck down, be grateful for the position you have somehow (!) attained and, for fuck’s sake, stop Googling yourself. 

Trust me, you aren’t going to find any Tucker Carlson fan sites. Very few people actually know who you are. And of those, the ones who are fond of you are outnumbered by those who think you’re an asshole.  

To prove it, here are the results of a Google search done five minutes ago:

“I love Tucker Carlson” – 57 hits

“I hate Tucker Carlson” – 77 hits

Rather an underwhelming response, isn’t it?    Certainly nothing that warrants you license to say that you will “destroy” someone because they’ve crossed you. 

Did you ever think you could have called the video store and asked them nicely and politely to tell their staff not to write about you?    

The fact that you’ve actually employed legal council about this matter makes it quite clear that you must be an awfully insecure little man.    And an asshole. 

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4 comments

  1. Super mega dittoes!


  2. Double Dog Mega Triple Dittoes!


  3. it’s also worth noting that the presumed ‘legal representative’ who hassled Chuckles’ bud is so noted only upon their own claim – that they were unwilling to identify themselves or the company they worked for. Suspect behavior for any attorney I’ve ever heard of. Usually their first act is to whip out their card and tell you they are Shorty Mc Scrotum of Karmmann, Buggs, and Baxter, Legal Fuckwads Inc.


  4. […] (Chuckles’s coworker), The Fired Blog, Faux Real, Dave@myspace, Welcome to Pottersville, Future Corpse, […]



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